the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
