I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
