I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
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