why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
