I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
