I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
