I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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