Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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