If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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