Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
pray to the hookup gods
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
