She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
