I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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