my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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