those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
