someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
