So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
now i know why i became what i already was.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
