The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
