apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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