I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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