So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize