I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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