I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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