remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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