fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
