I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
