She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
