How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
