I want to make a zoo with you.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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