He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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