Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
