In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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