So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
