so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
