What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
