I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize