I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
