there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
