Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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