That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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