giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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