I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
