New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We left the knife in your bed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I deserve this hangover.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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