Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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