You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I FOUND THE LEGS
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
