woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
