Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
