I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
