So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
