It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
