I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
