you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
