I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
