Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
