I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
