I hope mine doesn't look like that
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
