I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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