My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
