Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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