i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
