Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
