My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Couch. On fire.
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