You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just googled if crying burns calories
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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